Its cliché to say but your children really do grow up fast. I cant believe my little girl is turning five! How is she turning five? How have I been a mum for half a centaury. It only feels like yesterday I was leaving the hospital with her, wondering if I was cut out for this new venture. Scared that I was going to fail and mess up and not be the mum I wanted to be.
The truth is we all go in to parenthood blind. No one knows what to expect an no one knows what they will do or how they will handle things until they are in that moment, living it and doing it. I'm not the mum I thought I would be, but I am proud of the mum that I am because everything I do is for them and that's al I can do...just do my best.
I feel turning five is abit of a milestone so wanted to write a little open letter to Elise. I hope one day she will take the time to read this and be proud to say I am her mum. So here we go....
Dear Elise
I cant believe its a couple of days before your 5th birthday. Where have the years gone? You have just finished your first year of school and you still don't look old enough to be wearing a school uniform. You have done so incredibly well and your dad and I are beyond proud. I felt turning 5 was abit of a milstone so I just wanted to write down how I was feeling and share some thoughts and memories with you.
When I found I was expecting you, it was a huge surprise, a wonderful surprise. I will admit I was scared and worried. Scared I wasn't ready or that I wouldn't know what to do. Your dad was deployed overseas during most of my pregnancy with you. I made sure I sent him photos of you growing in my belly every week. Having you grow inside me is what kept me going through that deployment. Knowing I had a part of your dad with me made me feel safe. Feeling you move and kick was the biggest comfort and I knew as long as I had you I could conquer anything.
When I held you in my arms for the first time, that rush of love was indescribable. Seeing your big beautiful eyes, stroking your gorgeous dark hair and counting those little fingers and toes that wriiggld inside my tummy for all those months, was one of the most amazing moments I will ever experience.
Watching you grow and develop over the past five years as been the best years of my life. Whilst I have been busy teaching you, you have also been teaching me. Why I feel like I am forever making mistakes and beat myself up emotionally for not being this perfect mum that I had envisioned in my head, you have taught me that through all my failings and mistakes I am doing the best that I can. I know that because on those days when I feel like I'm getting it all wrong you still want me to read you a bedtime story, give you a cuddle or play barbies with you. its those little moments that remind me I am doing the best I can. Everything I do is for you. you are my biggest blessing and my greatest achievement in life.
Thank you for being my first baby, the baby that made me a mum and who I am today. As sad as I am that you are growing up and making a life of your own, I cant wait to watch you grow. The world is your oyster my darling and I want you to live it to the fullest. Don't loose that confident, sassy spark and your kind, careing nature that you have, that's what makes you "YOU" and there is no one else in the world like you. There arnt enough words to describe the love I have for you. Keep being you and thank you for being mine.
Love you always, your Mummy xxxx
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