So you can probably guess from my title that this post will be a little bit of a downer, so if you are wanting a happy post I would recommend you stop reading now!
I'm failing, I'm struggling, I feel completely out of my depth and I'm so overwhelmed its unreal. Parenting 2 small children alone with family living hundreds of miles away so you have no physical support, kids who seem to think that waking up at 5 am for nearly a month straight is acceptable. Tag teaming me with illnesses, a 7 month old puppy who has more energy that a pack ( and I do mean a full pack) of Duracell batteries, working part time, running a home, doing school runs, club runs, food shopping, paying bills, trying to find time in between all that to even just pee in peace, whilst flying solo is more than enough to tip the sanest of people over the edge.
Lets face it, and this is by no means any disrespect to my husband or men in general, but us women are use to running the show more often than not. I am use to doing all of the above alone but now my husband is no where to been seen for a considerable length of time ( 22 weeks to be exact but who's counting) I've started to miss the luxury of having him around to help with the little things. Someone to load the dishwasher after dinner. to start running the bath, reading the kids a story, putting a load of washing on for me when I haven't had the time. Someone to empty the bin, walk the dog, do a mad dash to the shop for the loo roll and milk you forgot to do during your weekly shop.
Not having somewhere there to help with the little things make the big things seem harder and harder to achieve and balance, and I feel like I'm spinning 100 plates at one time and I cant keep up with them all. I think In some respects I need to lower my standards and accept I'm never going to be super mum because super mum doesn't exist. No one has there sh*t together all of the time. Don't get me wrong there are days when I am fully winning at life. I have made the school run on time, with a full face of make up and I only had to shout once or twice for everyone to get there shoes on. I cook a homemade meal that mostly gets eaten, my washing basket is almost empty and even managed do homework, listen to E read, prepped everything for the next day and relax in a bubble bath with two sleeping children.
Then there are days where I am in such a rush I'm lucky if I get a chance to brush my teeth let alone shower before the school run, my daughters snack for school is a packet of fruit flakes, breakfast is a croissant from the co op eaten in the car on the way to school (I'm not proud of it but I'm all for a bit of honesty) I haven't done any washing, so iv had to febreeze and iron p.e kits because I forgot to wash them, the inside of my car resembles the contents of a skip and my kids eat pizza for dinner and have a bird bath wash before bed. It really is all or nothing with me. The bad days are usually the result of the kids being ill and a major lack of sleep. If I haven't mentioned it before I am not the best of people when I haven't had at least 6 hours of solid sleep.
I need to find a middle ground. Some weeks I'm on the ball and other weeks I'm struggling to keep those plates spinning. We are almost 4 weeks down and part of me wants to start waving my white flag and surrender and say I'm not built for this. Then the other part of me wants to give myself a slap and tell myself that no matter who we are or what our lives are like, we all have our struggles and it doesn't mean we are failing. I did the best I could on that day and that's all I can do.
I wanted to write this post to 1. have an outlet and 2. for any other mums feeling the same way to know there not alone and shouldn't feel ashamed in admitting they are struggling too. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger as they say. So if I can survive these 5 months I can survive anything ** she says weeping in to a pillow.
Do you feel like your constantly spinning plates and struggling to keep them all going? let me know in the comments below.
Thanks for reading
Natasha x
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